post MMEA
having spent time last week at MMEA and now taking the time to sit and reflect on my experience, i am called to revisit the “me” of many years ago, adrift at sea and searching for answers.
before i became a teacher, i was someone who never thought in a million years he’d become a full-time music educator, and at times was dead-set against it. although i was always teaching in some way, i remember after much soul-searching being INSPIRED to give it an honest chance, and to go for it. i prepared and took the MTEL, and began connecting with friends and mentors to learn what jobs may be available.
after months of work and applications and interviews, i landed a job as a middle and high school choral director, and although i had always sung in choirs, even from a very young age, i had little formal training in voice, and no formal training in choral direction and conducting, save for the short choral music unit in undergraduate conducting class.
it was daunting to say the least to be handed the keys to my classrooms, and to take up the work of leading so many eager and enthusiastic (and, yes, at times rambunctious and snarky!) students, and i can remember the feelings of failure when performances didn’t go well; when adjudicators’ comments on festival or state assessment tapes cut deep into my pride and my ego; when my colleagues would sort of steer clear of me, or requests for collaboration and connection would go unanswered, and i would feel so alone, as though i was without anyone to hold me and help guide me, or help show me that somehow, despite the competitive and assessment results not being high, i was doing good work. that i was working hard, and honoring the time and efforts of my students, and bringing value to my schools and my district.
i remember feeling like i needed help, that i needed support, and that led me to connect with people outside my schools. i hired professional chamber choirs to come and work with my groups, and i watched and listened and observed the way their singers and conductors would work, and i tried to model myself and my own approach based on them. it took years, several more with the results beginning slowly to improve, before i felt my self-confidence beginning to grow, and then as time passed, those performances started to really sparkle; those adjudication tapes started to reflect the success that my choirs and i were experiencing for all our hard work; the pride in themselves that students had developed was so evident - in their approach to rehearsals, how they carried themselves in the hallways and in our rehearsal spaces, the way they strode confidently to their places on the risers at a performance or a state assessment…
the last time i set foot on the podium to conduct my middle and high school choirs was March 13, 2020. i miss it so, so much. i yearn to engage in that work of ensemble music making, in sharing the magic of making beautiful musical moments, in bringing a text off the page and seeing how it comes alive in the voices of the choir members…
i keep thinking about all this, and all i can say is that i am here. i am here to help you the way that so many helped me. i am available to come and listen, to offer feedback, to show you support where you may feel unseen in your building. i am here to brainstorm ways that you can showcase the good that is happening with you and your students, and bringing it out into your community, and help your students stand a little taller, walk with a little more dignity, perform a little more proudly. i am not an expert in anything, but i have enough empathy and experience to help you turn a corner in your practice, no matter your level of experience or expertise, and take your approach to the next level.